Tigers in Traditional Medicine
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According to traditional medicine in many parts of Asia, tiger parts can be used for anything from curing sores on your penis to making you bulletproof. I guess if I believed that knocking off a tiger could cure my herpes AND allow me to walk on 14th street after midnight then I’d be on the first plane to Bangladesh with my trusty tiger-strangling gloves.
Apparently, a lot of people feel the same way as I do because there are only 1,400 Bengal tigers left due to poaching, largely because of their believed medicinal power. So either banging herpes-ridden prostitutes is the national pass-time in Bangladesh or maybe this whole tiger-medicine bullshit doesn’t quite work so well and so they keep trying more doses. Either way, here is a list of the believed medicinal powers of several tiger parts according to traditional medicine, which many people in Asia still believe today:
Brain
According to traditional medicine, rubbing tiger brain on yourself cures laziness. They actually make a lotion out of tiger brains…to cure laziness. If your ass is lazy enough to go to the market (or wherever the hell it is things get sold in shitty countries nowadays) and buy fucking un-lazy lotion, then you should be sterilized right there in the market in front of all your smelly, fly eating, third-world friends. If you do make it home with your genitals in tact, be careful that you don’t accidentally jerk off with that un-lazy lotion. Nothing is more embarrassing than being out-hustled by your dick.
Whiskers
According to traditional medicine, tiger whiskers can make you immune to injury due to bullets. Seriously? Out of all the parts of a tiger they could have picked to make you bullet-proof, they picked the whiskers? Not eating its heart or having your best-buddy slap you in the face with its severed pork sword? Let’s be honest, whiskers are the most pussy thing a tiger has…now let’s start acting like it.
Nose
Apparently the nose leather of tigers is used to treat dog bites. I can imagine exactly how this one started:
“Shit! Dude, I just got attacked by my neighbor’s dog!”
“Shit! Dude, go rub your gnawed arm on that live tiger’s nose over there!”
In a matter of seconds, dude #1 will no longer be concerned about his dog bite.
Testicles
Back in the 1st grade cafeteria we used to play “I’d rather eat tiger testicles than…” It was a variant on would you rather, I guess, except one of the “would you rathers” was always eating tiger testicles. Well, according to traditional medicine eating tiger testicles can cure tuberculosis. You can choose between having tuberculosis or eating tiger testicles. I don’t think that one ever came up, tough choice though.
Teeth
Here’s the good news: according to traditional medicine tiger teeth can cure sores on your penis. Excellent. The bad news is I couldn’t find any information on how exactly you go about using these tiger teeth to rid the sores from your ailed beef whistle. My suggestion is to get some tiger teeth, rent a Motel 6 room for a week and use your imagination.
